Six years ago, my mother died. Today, I share what I experienced in the first year after her death.
We all don’t experience or deal with loss similarly, so I do not imply that everyone has or will go through these after loss. This post is my experience, and I hope it will help someone going through the same.
Cocktail Of Emotions
There are so many beautiful memories of my mother and unforgettable moments of joy and answered prayers we shared with her. She did a lot of good and had beauty and love in her life, but….
….in the days and months after her death, all I could think about were the things that went wrong, the things that could have happened and the things that never became. It was a cocktail of emotions and feelings of anger, regret, shock, helplessness, and more.
Sleep
I have suffered severe sleeping problems for some years; I have problems falling asleep and staying asleep at night. This changed in the months following my mother’s death. In the first six months, one of the things I found easy to do was sleep. When pain rushed at me, I shut it down with sleep. Sleep was an escape at this time.
Nothingness
Sometimes, I just did nothing. Not working, not sleeping, not fiddling with my mobile phone, not watching TV or reading a book, I just stayed home for hours, doing nothing. I never knew I could find so much comfort in nothingness.
No Gratitude
I keep a gratitude bowl; I write one thing I am grateful for every day and drop it in my bowl as often as I can. This became hard to do in the months after I lost my mum; every time I wanted to write something I was grateful for, I remembered my mother’s death, and suddenly, it all paled in comparison to my loss. I remember after the funeral, I wanted to drop a gratitude note for the safe travels, but then I thought if she had not died, people wouldn’t have needed to travel with us anyway. Crazy? I know!
Absent Mindedness
It’s so bad I had to stop driving for a while! I struggled to keep my mind where it needed it to be.
God
I have talked to God about so many things, but I still haven’t been able to speak with him about my mother’s life and death. I just can’t yet.
Fear
I know everyone will eventually die, but to know is one thing; to experience it by losing someone close is another. This experience brought fear; in the first year, I was so afraid of losing someone else. I felt that if she could die, anyone could die. I can die. I was so scared of death.
Physical pain
I had this heaviness in my chest, so heavy I could feel the pain. There were times I thought I was having a heart attack. I did x-rays and tests, and they all came out clear. Maybe they were panic attacks, I don’t know. I never knew an emotional pain could be so intense to cause physical pain.
Exhaustion
Ha! I can’t even describe this one. Utter exhaustion!
Trauma
The events of the last few days before her death were distressing. I didn’t know how traumatized I was until these events started replaying in my dreams for a very long time.
Reminders
One day at the airport, an older woman complained about people jumping in the long queues, and I started shedding tears. I can’t explain it. Random things would remind me of her, and I would feel my chest tightening and a lump in my throat.
No Control
I have never been out of control in my life as I was in the months after she passed. I lost control of my emotions, I snapped at people, I was easily offended, I was angry. I lost discipline in many areas of my life as well. I was totally out of control for some time.
No More…
ID and Crime Investigation were my favourite TV channels; I could spend hours watching one story of horror after another and another. When my mother died, I just could not. I also could not listen to some gospel songs.
Talk
After my mum died, many people knew a lot more about me than they had ever known. I always wanted to talk about her, my family and my life. I just wanted to talk.
Dreams
I went to bed, looking forward to seeing her in my dreams. I just wanted to know she is okay and happy where she is. I needed a sign so much. Maybe she was still trying to settle down wherever she was, and maybe when she was well settled, she would give me a sign that she was okay.
My Father
My heart was broken for my father, and it still is. I wish I could take all his pains away.
Lost
For some time, I felt utterly lost in life. I doubted many things I once believed and had many questions about life and why we are here.
